Torn

(I'm back-tracking to December 14.  In the upcoming days I'll post Christmas and New Years) 

The final night of A four day global sales summit in Whistler, BC, was finished off in style. Our team dined at the famed Rim Rock Cafe on such delicacies as, ahi tar tar, steal head, fresh salmon, and their world famous Sticky toffee pudding.

Outside, the snow fell swiftly on the pacific pines whose branches already heavy laden with snowfall.
As the night wore on I found myself missing the bonds that had been made between colleagues - now friends. The week was spent tackling problems, sharing big ass ideas and focusing on how to take our train journey to a higher gear. Tomorrow we'd all head home.  No more 5 star dining, no more maid service, turn downs or chilled bottled water at my bedside.

Only reality.

My reality.

Three eager kids who'd been anxious and aching for their mother. A husband overwhelmed with responsibility. A sister who'd taken time away from her job to be mom - for me.

Feeling completely torn a cried to Matt over the phone for nearly an hour.

Several questions overtook me.

How do I fulfill my number one role as wife and mother yet succeed supporting my family in my working role?

Is this possible?

By working more hours and asking for advancement would it be fair to force my children to pay the price?

For them this would mean longer hours at school. The possibility of putting their talent focused activities on hold. And just plain mom not around as much.

The sticky problem is that I have to work. Our family cannot survive without me working. Which poses the question- How can I effectively earn money in a fulfilling role and be available to my children?

As I walked in my door nearly 12 hours after leaving Whistler the heaviness of my responsibilities was crushing.

The worlds expectations of me feel endless. My expectations of myself are far more lengthy and complicated.

How can I ever fulfill all that is expected of me?

I feel completely torn and pulled in a thousand different directions.